Afraid.

One of my biggest parenting challenges is dealing with fear.

My own fear.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not what you call a risk taker. I do my best to fly under the radar, stay out of everyone's way and not make any waves. If I can manage to do all that, and not be noticed, I'm happy.

I like to think that my anxiety carefulness is a spiritual gift, but deep down, I know that's not the truth. Fear is not of God. And I most certainly don't want to pass all of my fears and insecurities onto my children.

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of unemployment. I'm afraid of public speaking.

And when Bubby's teacher announced a few weeks ago that her students would be giving an oral presentation in front of the class, I was worried for Bubby. Because I know how scary it is to speak in front of a group of people. 

I noticed as Bubby prepared for this assignment that he wasn't anxious, wasn't fearful. And that made me even more nervous for him.

He has no idea how hard it is to speak in front of people! I thought to myself. I should warn him so he doesn't get caught off guard!

But when I asked him "Are you a little scared of talking in front of your class?" he replied, "Why would I be scared?"

See, I couldn't tell him all my reasons why he should be nervous. And I couldn't share all the times I got in front of my classes and felt my cheeks flush and my stomach turn and heard my words run together and all the "um, um, um, you know"s. I didn't want him to know that of everything I'm afraid of, sharing in front of a group is at the top of that list because I don't think what I have to say is important and someone else could do a much better job it's hard to do. As much as I wanted to prepare him for all the things that could happen, I just couldn't put my fears onto him. 

So I said nothing. And I prayed for him the entire day. And when he got off the bus with a frown on his face, my heart sank because I just knew he figured it out on his own.

"How was the presentation?" I asked softly, though I could already tell.

"FINE."

But when I looked over his grade from that day, I couldn't believe what I saw.

Excellent! Check plus!  Great voice projection! Awesome use of props! Wonderful job!

"Bubby, you did a great!" I was surprised, but so proud. "Why are you so upset?"

"You didn't pack me the lunch I asked for!" he said with tears as he flung himself onto the couch.

And it was over. His oral presentation was no big deal compared to the horrible lunch I packed for him. 
I'm thinking I need to ask him for advice.

December 7, the day I puke in front of my church's mom's group.

God has been weaving together so many parts of my life since my brother Josh died. Things that once confused me are finally making perfect, peaceful sense. 
C.S. Lewis once said,  "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."
And I have learned. And now I'm being led to share in ways that make me want to throw up.
Please pray for me. Specifically, that no one shows up that day, that I can say outloud what I've poured onto 12 pages of paper. And that God uses my words to touch someone, anyone.
So now what you know mine, what's your biggest fear?