Submission

I had a moment not too long ago that really shook me. I was in the middle of having one of my angry submission episodes. Where I agree to submit to something Big A wants, but I still stew and slam doors and give the so-very-uneffective silent treatment. I was submitting, just defiant.

Big A runs a used car business as a side job. This means he works normal hours at a day job, then extra hours on the car business. Saturdays are his busiest days for the car business because that's the only day he can spend uninterrupted time working, searching for cars to buy, transporting, etc...

Truthfully, I hated Saturdays for this very reason. I hated being alone. I hated wrangling three kids at the playground or the grocery store because he wasn't available to come with me. I hated the whole situation.

And each and every week, I made sure he knew just how much I hated Saturdays. Nevermind that he'd go above and beyond his parenting and husbandly duties every other day of the week. It was Saturdays that I wanted because it was Saturdays that he wouldn't give me.

One Saturday, I was stewing so much that I didn't even say goodbye when he left the house to work. And God gave me a wake-up call.

 "You need to start appreciating what you have because he might not always be there." The words startled me, but I felt like they were coming straight from God's mouth to my heart.

I thought I was submitting and following God's commands in Ephesians 5:

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.   

But I was still trying to get my own way, just not directly. Instead of just coming out and saying "no," I was plotting and scheming and ignoring in order to get him to do things my way. I was rolling my eyes, stomping my feet, withholding affection, intimacy, home-cooked meals or whatever else he desired from me, with the hope that he would say, "Okay. Let's do things your way."

On that particular day, God made it clear to me that I needed to stop being so immature and be thankful that I had a healthy husband who wanted to work hard and provide for us. I got his message loud and clear after I considered the alternative. I could give up Saturdays if it meant more peace in our homes and that I didn't have to be mad every single weekend. 

Once I made the decision to lovingly submit to Big A on this - just like the church should submit to Christ -  instead of submitting defiantly, the tone of our house changed. The tension and strife are gone. His needs are met. My needs are met. I was only looking at things from my point-of-view and I wasn't seeing how important that one day of business was for Big A and for our family's future. It was a big step for me because I am always right and that's just how it is I usually think I'm right about everything. 

My heart's desire is to be a godly wife, submissive and selfless. Not a doormat, but a strong partner who strengthens her husband through her words and actions. And especially not a woman who tries to get her way through constantly nagging.

I'm not totally there yet, for sure, but I'm learning, and growing. 

What Not to Wear Every Day

If I could chose one piece of clothing to wear every day for the rest of my life, it would be my gray sweatpants. I love them. They love me back. Wearing them is like wearing a warm hug all day long.

For a stay-at-home mom though, they're perfect. When I'm wearing them, I can play on the floor with Chancho without feeling constricted. I can splatter them with cake batter and not worry if they'll be stained. I can exercise in them or take a nap on the couch in them and either way, I feel cozy.

One problem with these pants is that they aren't the most flattering on me. They make me look a few sizes bigger than I actually am. They also have a lot of give - I really don't notice if I'm eating too much because they stretch to fit.

Another problem is that I wear them too much. I realized this last week when I had a late afternoon doctor's appointment and was forced to put on real clothes - a nice shirt and jeans - for two hours.

Big A happened to arrive home before I was able to change back into my sweatpants and he was pleasantly surprised that I had real clothes on. After he told me how nice I looked, I asked him if he didn't like my sweatpants.

"They're okay, just not every day," he said.

I've made it a point this week to wear real clothes, nice clothes, when he walks in the door most evenings. Even if I've had on sweatpants most of the day (because of exercising, of course), I change into something cute. Tousle my hair a bit. Put on some lipgloss. Let him know I've been waiting for his return all day. And I think he's digging the jeans.

So have you fallen into the sweatpants routine?

Even if You Don't, He DOES

At around the half-way point of my pregnancy with Bubby, I got the devastating news that I had to be on strict bedrest for the next four months. I cried a little harder with each activity the doctor told me I couldn't do: no going up and down stairs, no baths, only bi-weekly showers, no lifting anything weighing more than a gallon of milk, no going to work. But when he said, "No sex." I was actually pretty relieved. I didn't want to do it anyway and having a doctor's excuse was like a get out of jail free card.

And since this was back when I told everybody ever sordid detail of our marriage (as long as those details made me look good), I immediately called my mom to cry on her shoulder when Big A was actually disappointed about the sex ban. What she said surprised me.

"You know, Kristy, men have certain needs that women don't have," she said, right before my ears started bleeding from hearing my mom say those words. "You'll probably have to help him out."

I got the same response from my brother-in-law, in the form of "Hook a brother up, okay?"

My husband needed sex.

And if you're married to a healthy red-blooded male, he needs sex too, just like he needs air or water. Maybe not as much as much as he needs air or water, but it's vital to his well-being. This article links a man's sex life to his cardiovascular health, chance of certain cancers and overall physical stability. He needs sexual release to keep his parts functioning properly.

Additionally, we all know men's brains are wired differently. Regardless of the health reasons for regular intimacy, men think about it all.the.time.

Shaunti Feldham, in her book "For Women Only," says that sex pops into a man's mind as often as a woman has negative thoughts about her body. If that's the case, Big A has sex on the brain at all times.

Even the Bible, we're cautioned to only refrain from sex only for mutually-agreed-upon times of prayer. 

1 Cor. 7:5 "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

I think that as women, we think our men shouldn't be that interested in sex. Or that their drives should match ours. Or that since we're going through a time of stress and unrest and sex is the last thing on our minds, that it should be the last thing on theirs too. And if they are thinking of it a lot more than we are, we think there's something wrong with them.

I'm urging you to please, please, please, don't be fooled. He wants to do it and he needs to do it and that's okay. 

I've had so many conversations lately with women who think this isn't a big deal. Or maybe they know it's important, but it's just not as important as the million other things they have to do. Or maybe their husbands have even told them not to worry about it. But I'm here to tell you that it's not something you can overlook or place on the back-burner and get back to when your life isn't so hectic.

And to my Christian readers: Your husband needs sex too. Your Bible-reading, church-going, Sunday School-teaching, men's group-leading husband needs sex. Don't think he's exempt just because he loves the Lord.

A marriage's sexual health can make or break a man, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There may be times when you physically aren't able to meet your husband's needs in that area. But that doesn't mean those needs will be shut off for a while. The two of you might have to be a little more creative to make sure those needs are taken care of.

I feel like I've written pieces of this post many other times, but it's so vital to marriage that I wanted to say it again.

So don't say I didn't warn you :).

When Intimacy is a Pain

Low Mojo

Today (well, yesterday, since I'm a day late on this post) I'm talking about when the desire is low or nonexistent, which I hear is happening to more and more women in their thirties and forties who are in the child rearing/household managing/stressful job working season of life. (If you're a woman in this season of life who is enjoying a constant, satisfying sex life who no waning in interest ever, just drop and give me 50 push ups right now.)

According to the Mayo Clinic, low sex drive means you have "have hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes you personal distress." Hypoactive means "abnormally inactive."

I should point out that just because your interest in sex isn't as strong as your husband's doesn't mean you have a problem. Likewise, even if your interest is lower than it once was, that's okay too. But there are instances where the lack of desire causes personal and relationship distress and those instances should be addressed. 

The causes of a low sex drive vary from women to women. They include, but are absolutely not limited to, the following:

-Female Hormone fluctuations. (one of the first questions I ask God when I get to Heaven will be "Really, God? Hormones? WHY?") Interestingly enough, it's not just progesterone and estrogen that cause sexual desire issues for women. Testosterone, which we usually associated with men, plays a big role in our bodies as well. By the time a woman turns 40, her body typically is producing half of the testosterone it produced when she was 20 (Ezine article). If you've had your ovaries removed, your testosterone levels plummet even more. Also, if you're pregnant or breastfeeding or going through menopause, your hormones are probably on their own little roller coaster.

-Other medical issues and some medications. Thyroid disease, neurological disorders, high blood pressure, depression, cancer.

-Life. Jobs, kids, committments, overscheduled calendars, chores, extended family issues, 9-year-olds who sleepwalk and startle you when they stand next to your bed like a creepy child in a horror film, etc... In other words, distractions and the fatigue caused by juggling everything.

-Relationship and psychological issues. Infidelity, mistrust, emotional disconnect, and poor or no communication. Also, insecurity, previous sexual abuse, fear, and religious views about sex gone awry.

These problems are manifested in a low desire for sex, or in come cases, a complete lack of desire.

So what's a woman to do?

-Delegate. I don't think there's a husband out there who wouldn't jump at the chance to help out if it meant his wife would be more interested in sex. Be honest about what you need help with and stop trying to do it all.

-Help yourself get into the mood. I listed some ideas here. (Be sure to read those comments too!)

-Fight exhaustion with rest, a good diet and vitamins. Raise your hand if you get plenty of sleep and never feel run down. Anyone? If your disinterest in sex is related to being worn out, adequate rest and a healthy diet should help. Low iron is a big cause of fatigue in women, and a good multivitamin with iron can help that. When I was in the thick of my low-progesterone struggles earlier this year,  I tried all of these, in addition to taking B vitamins, and my energy level improved dramatically, as did other areas of my life.

-See your doctor/counselor. A women's health specialist (thank's Beth!) or your doctor CAN help. Be honest, have a list of medications you're taking, and don't downplay your symptoms. You may have low testosterone or a negative reaction to medication, both of which can be treated. If you're having issues with your spouse or past experiences, talking with a relationship counselor or a trusted spiritual advisor or mentor can work wonders. 


Unfortunately, there's no little blue pill for women, or instant switch that we can turn on and off. But ask any woman who has overcome low libido issues, and she'll tell you, the extra effort to get your mojo back is worth it.

Fake It Til You Make It

I recently attended a blogging conference and during one of the sessions, the speaker said that we should define our blog audience  and write our posts with those people in mind. When I thought about who I want to reach with my blog, the people who immediately came to mind are the moms of young children. The 20- and 30-somethings who are tired and worn out and who feel like if one more person says, "MOMMY!" they are going to go off the deep end. I can write to you all from the bottom of my heart because I have so been here. Sometimes I am still there. Okay, a lot of times.

And when I'm writing these Physical Friday posts, I'm writing from my own experiences as a wife who doesn't always dig sex, but who knows it's not only vital to her bond with her husband but also to the survival of her marriage. And since I'm going to do it anyway, well by golly, I might as well make it as enjoyable as possible.

The goal of these posts isn't for all my readers to have mind-blowing lovemaking sessions three times a week because that's silly and unrealistic (and Big A if you are reading this, it is unrealistic, trust me). My goal is for you ladies to know that a healthy sex life can work wonders for your marriage, your self-esteem and your husband's self-esteem. Not to mention it's like commanded in the Bible.

But for some of you right now, sex is a CHORE. You feel touched out. You want some peace and quiet. After meeting everyone's needs all day, you just want to be alone. The thought of sex repulses you. Then your man comes to bed and touches your leg or whispers that thing he always says when he's in the mood and you feel like you're going to scream and storm out of the room and sleep in your minivan (not that I have EVER done that... recently).

So pretend we're sitting over coffee right now, as our children play happily together in the McDonald's playplace and we sip our mocha frappes, when I tell you this: "You need to fake it til you make it."

No. I'm not referring to faking an orgasm. I may have to write a whole separate post on that concept. I'm talking about doing it even when you don't feel like it. Trust me when I say that at first, you will feel like you're putting on a big, fake show, but after a while, most likely you will be enjoying sex again.

Here are a few suggestions for faking it til you make it. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
-Initiate sex even when you don't want to.
-Make it a point to think about sex with your husband. 
-Remember what used to make you feel really sexy and recreate that with him.
-Tell you husband that even though you're not 100% into sex at the moment, you're still willing to give it a try. See how eager he is to help you out.

When Big A and I were first married, we got a lot of advice about starting a family. One person told us, "there is no ideal time to have a baby. Sometimes you just have to jump in." Sex is the same way. If you wait to have sex until you're in the mood, it may be too late. Sometimes you have to just jump in and try to get things going again.

So fake it til you make it. And one day you won't have to.

Location, Location, Location

Over the last few months, we've discussed several topics on here on Fridays. Erogenous zones. Granny panties. The two things your man desires. What happens when he falls off his pedestal. And more. My prayer for this whole thing is that the women reading this series will be encouraged to have fun in the bedroom.

In the bedroom.

I don't know about you, but when I think of sex, the first place that comes to mind is the bedroom. And the truth is, the bedroom is a fine place for sex. There's a lock on the door and it's close to a bathroom. It's safe and comfy and hopefully we've all worked hard to make our bedrooms into our own personal Love Shacks.

But sometimes, the sameness and routine of the bedroom can be a little boring. When that happens, I suggest a change of venue.

First, let me give credit where credit is due. I stole this idea from Solomon's Beloved in the Bible. In Song of Solomon 7, she playfully introduces the idea of the outdoors to her husband, telling him in no uncertain terms that she wants to frolic in the vineyards.

 ¹¹ Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside,
       let us spend the night in the villages. ^[b]
 12 Let us go early to the vineyards
       to see if the vines have budded,
       if their blossoms have opened,
       and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
       there I will give you my love."

If you have a vineyard, GREAT. But for those of us who don't, let's get creative.

My challenge for you this week is to think outside the bedroom. Find a place, indoors or outdoors, that you normally wouldn't associate with sex and have fun! The change of scenery, the risk of getting caught, and the spontaneity should make for an exhilarating experience. And even if it doesn't at least you'll have a new memory.

Are you brave enough to take the challenge?

Protecting the Little Ones, Part 2

If you missed part one on tips to protect your little ones from early/unhealthy exposure to sex, read here. This is part two.

5. Book It. I've come across a lot of great resources during my search for information. Most of the books I've read pertain to children 10 and under, because that's my stage of life. I've also tried to find resources that aren't overly descriptive. At this young age, I don't feel it's appropriate to tell every single detail or to put ideas in their little minds that they aren't capable of discerning right now.


Before I Was Born. (ages 5-8) This book gives an age appropriate explanation of sex from a Christian worldview. It tastefully and safely explains the differences between boys' and girls' bodies, intimacy, conception, even breastfeeding. I like this book because it's specific and to the point, but not overly descriptive.



The Princess and the Kiss. (ages 4-8) In this story, the princess is saving her first kiss for someone very special. She's approached by several different suitors, but in the end, she finds her one true love. It's a sweet little metaphor for a girl's purity. You can also purchase a study guide and coloring book to go along with the story. My friend Erika and I leading a group study using this book for the little girls at our church this fall.

The Squire and the Scroll. (ages 4-8) Again, using a metaphor, this book introduces little boys to guarding their hearts, listening to God's will and the dangers of giving into temptation. Bubby loved the story in this, and any book with a positive message that captures his attention is good enough for me.

Sweetpea Beauty. I LOVE this newest DVD from Veggie Tales. It was just released in July, but we've watched it countless times and I've shared it with several friends who have little girls. Sweetpea journeys to find the meaning of true beauty in this tale. What I love almost as much as the video itself is the accompanying True Beauty lesson guide that you can download for free here.

The Secret Keeper Girl series. (ages 8-12) About two years ago, I won this kit on a website giveaway. Though it was meant for girls a little older than Sissy, I used it as a guide to talk to her about modesty and self-esteem. Together, she and I decided to follow the modesty guidelines in this book and even now, we make sure what we're wearing covers our bodies appropriately. We also go on mother/daughter dates as recommended in the book. As Sissy gets older, I plan to purchase more books in the Secret Keeper family, including the  Secret Keeper Girl series of fiction books.

Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality, and article by Rob Jackson from Focus on the Family. Though I didn't agree with everything in this article, I definitely felt the overall message - that parents NEED to be present, intentional in their actions and words, and cautious in every (not just when it comes to sex) part of their lives - is crucial for helping our children to develop a healthy understanding of intimacy. I especially appreciated his suggestions on fostering self-esteem by teaching children to measure themselves through God's eyes and not the world's. Overall, a super article. 

How to Talk Confidently with Your Child About Sex. This is a parents' guide for approaching the topic of sex with your children. I love this book because it's straightforward and honest, and provides great information about having the dreaded "talk." Also in this series are books for specific age groups and for boys and girls, which I haven't read YET.

6. Shelter Them. Oh yes, I said it. Truthfully, I'm the crazy parent in the bunch. The one who everyone talks about as being too old-fashioned. I don't trust many other moms and dads to supervise my children the way I would; therefore, Bubby and Sissy don't go to many friends' houses. And that's fine with me. On the rare occasion that we do a playdate with a family who we don't know very well, I bombard the other parents with a list of rules. No internet. No music videos. No playing boyfriend/girlfriend with Barbie and Ken. No being alone with the friend's older brothers and sisters (a friend recently asked me "Why?" I don't want them around the older siblings. I'm basing this on my own personal experience of seeing one of my close childhood friends being completely taken advantage of by another friend's three-years-older brother. I don't ever want to put my children in that situation).

So far, Bubby and Sissy have been good about declining if they're confronted with a chance to break those rules, and I'm praying that continues as they get older and can make more of their own decisions. You may think, "You're sheltering them too much! You're nuts!" But my children are my most treasured gifts and I'll do everything in my power to protect them.

As they get older, they will obviously have more freedom to choose what they do, but right now, they're not able to assess situations very well. I wish my parents had been more cautious of these things when I was younger because I was exposed to a lot of conversations, visual images on TV (no Internet back then, yo!) and inappropriate explanations of sex when I went to friends' houses. I don't plan to shelter them forever because I don't think that's a good idea either. But I do explain to them why we have our family rules so that maybe, just maybe they will have the guts to say no when their friends want to look at a grown-up magazine rather than allowing curiosity to get the best of them.

(And if you have any advice about cell phones, text messaging and social networking, I'm all ears... I can't even begin to imagine how to handle all that.)

7. Talk Early, Talk Often. If we can talk to our kids about the little things (and really listen), they'll talk to us about the big things. My parents were kind, loving and supportive, but they were never very good about talking to me about the big stuff, or the little stuff. I want to be the first person my children ask if they have a concern or question about sex. But I can't expect them to magically come to me one day unless I keep the lines of communication open now. This isn't always easy for me, as sometimes I prefer everyone to just "be quiet and do what I say." I'm not saying we have to be like my high school friend's parents (who regularly shared with my friend how "good" of a time they had the night before), but being respectfully open is important. There will come a time when they'll hear about sex outside of the safety of this family. It would be wonderful if they've already heard the right message from people who love them most.

As I wrote this post last week, I felt a little panicky. I remember when the most difficult part of my parenting experience was Bubby not sleeping through the night until he was 15 months old or not knowing if it was pureed peaches or pears that made Sissy's face breakout. What I wouldn't give to have those issues again.

What's your favorite resource for teaching little ones about this topic?

Protecting the Little Ones, Part 1

I searched online for bubbles to purchase, you know, to protect our children. This was the only family friendly picture I found. You wouldn't believe all the crazy things people do with gigantic plastic bubbles. *shudder*

Ideally, I'd like to buy three of these for Bubby, Sissy and Chancho. Big plastic, protective, sound-proof bubbles. That way they'll never get hurt, they'll never hear bad words, and they'll never be able to touch anyone else else.

Since that's not possible, and since I've been very concerned about their little hearts and minds after seeing how my own early, wordly exposure to sex has affected me, I decided this year to be intentional about teaching them about love, intimacy and self worth. I've read many books and articles and interrogated many parents of older children to find out what worked for them. And for you, my bloggy friends, I've compiled a list of tips and resources. I ended up with a 1,700 word post, so I divided it to span two weeks.

1. Pray. Everything always starts here. I've been praying for my childrens' hearts since they were tiny, but lately, I've been praying more fervently. I sense an urgency these days to cover the three of them in prayers and in God's words, for protection, for guidance, for wisdom, for good friends to come their way.

2. Scripturize them. My favorite Bible passage about teaching children comes from Deuteronomy 6:5-9.

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." 

We strive to make this our family's goal through devotions together and encouraging them to read the Bible on their own and ask questions when needed. I know first hand that what they learn now from God's word will stay in their hearts and minds. One day, when they need it the most, God's encouragement will be right there for them to recall. Even with all the ups and downs in my life, I hate to think of where I'd be today if no one showed me when I was younger how important I am to God.

3. Guard Their Senses. Having boys and a girl has taught me so much about the differences between the two sexes. While most things seem to go right over Bubby's head (at this stage in the game... I'm sure that will change as he gets older), Sissy picks up on everything and because of that, I have to be vigilant about what she watches and listens to. Shows that I used to think were harmless - including much of what is on the Disney Channel - I now see as too mature for her little mind and heart. As her mommy, I have to be her role model and show her what it means to be a young lady and it's much easier to do that when I'm not competing with a teen superstar on TV. As far as Bubby is concerned, by default, he's not watching much TV either, but he doesn't seem to mind. Our computer is in one of the main rooms of the house and they're only allowed to use it for games that Big A and I approve. No surfing the web or watching videos. I would also recommend a good web filter like http://www.bsecure.com/. 

4. ForHeavensSakes, LockYourBedroomDoor! To avoid scarring the children for life and burning an image in their minds that they will NEVER be able to get rid of (trust me, I know this from dreadful firsthand experience), lock the door. Most of the adults I know (myself included) have horrid memories of walking into our parents' rooms at ahem, inappropriate times, memories that they can't erase.  

Tune in next week for part 2 which includes a list of resources.

So how are you protecting your little ones?

Shame, Part 3

When the shame I felt for my past sexual sin surfaced when we lost our baby girl, I was pretty much a mess. I was grieving. I was blaming myself. I was withdrawing from those who loved me most. I was certain I would never be a mother. And most of all, I was beating myself - emotionally, mentally and spiritually - to a pulp.

After nearly a year, which included two early miscarriages, I became pregnant again. The early weeks of my pregnancy were filled with fear and anxiety. Then at 18 weeks when an ultrasound showed problems, the same problems that led to the first miscarriage, I was fearful but I wasn't surprised. I had already decided this was my fate.

The next day, I had a procedure done that could possibly save the pregnancy. But because my body was preparing to deliver too early, there was a 50/50 chance that labor would start and no one would be able to stop it.

I felt as if my baby's life was hanging on a thread. And that night, as I lay in the hospital bed, with a machine monitoring his precious heartbeat, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I begged our God to not take another baby from me, to give me just once chance to be a mommy. I pleaded for forgiveness for every single sexual sin I ever committed, for every temptation I ever gave in to.

But instead of hearing Him lovingly say "I forgive you, my child," I heard "I forgave you a long time ago. You need to forgive yourself."

When I asked God for forgiveness that first time, years before, He gave it, no questions asked. The Bible says "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12) 

Not only did He remove it, but He forgot it. "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." (Hebrews 10:17)

But I never accepted it. I handed it back to Him and instead took the blame and shame that Satan was giving because I felt I deserved that more.

In the hospital that night, I finally understood. I wasn't being punished with miscarriages. Difficult pregnancies were just part of my lot in this life - something that I would eventually use for His glory. I understood that none of that guilt was from God. When I asked for forgiveness, that was exactly what He offered, no strings attached, no need to ask 50 more times just to be sure He heard me correctly.  In order for me to embrace the gift of motherhood, I had to accept His grace. Otherwise, I'd be blaming myself all over again with every single challenge or hardship I faced.

There are natural consequences to sin. If we rob a bank, we can be forgiven by God, but we may have to go to jail. If we sin against our bodies, we may have to face natural consequences as well. But when we truly repent, God doesn't pound us with punishment over and over. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8: 1-2)

Friends, I don't know why I'm supposed to share all this with you. And I know I've probably made a mess out of this topic. As I've prayed about writing this, I kept thinking to myself  "Who cares? We're all grown women! Surely we're all passed this." Yet, the calling wouldn't leave my heart. And even as I share this, I know that my past is ridiculously innocent compared to what some of you have endured. So if you take anything from this (besides the knowledge that I'm incredibly long-winded), I pray you know that Jesus died for you, that any sin you committed or will commit can be completely washed away when you accept Him as your saviour and that He LOVES you. He is completely and utterly in love with you. He keeps no records of your wrongs and once He forgives you, it's FINAL.

And just so you know, that baby who we almost lost will turn nine years old on Sunday.

Shame, Part 2

Last week, I told you I brought a lot of guilt, shame and confusion into my marriage bed. Surprisingly, I didn't realize I brought it all at first. In fact, Big A and I spent several months in blissful marital oblivion before any of that junk surfaced.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I had a miscarriage at almost five months along.

And what was supposed to be our first year of building a foundation for our life together was soon a hot mess of emotion, anger, and defeat.

Of course I would have a miscarriage, I thought to myself soon after losing our baby girl. It's because of all the horrible things I did.

At the time, it made complete sense to me. I was sure God was punishing me for all of those experiences that had brought me so much shame when I was younger. Nevermind that I had asked forgiveness or that much of that unhealthy exposure to sex wasn't my own doing anyway.

Before long, I fell for Satan's lies hook, line and sinker when he told me I didn't deserve to be a mother and I had no business trying to be a godly wife either.

I was beaten down just enough to give up. Just enough to run and hide from God. Just enough to feel unworthy of his presence. Just enough to feel like a letdown to Big A. It was a dark time in my life. Not only was I mourning the loss of our baby, but I was pulling away from my husband and drowning in a pool of self-disgust.

It seemed that once I lost those parts of my innocence years before we got married, I always felt a little dirty. And because I didn't feel completely pure, I never truly felt worthy of forgiveness, love, acceptance and real, true intimacy. I believe (again, based on my years of scientific research at the McDonald's playland with my friends) many of us have experienced this same guilt because of our sexual pasts.  

It's true that when we lose that part of ourselves, we can't ever physically get it back. But ladies, we are not damaged goods. No matter how many times you gave yourself away. No matter how much was taken from you. I feel like I should make the distinction here that there are some things we CHOOSE to do and some things that are done TO US. For some reason, we women tend to blame ourselves for BOTH. But all of it (repeat after me, "ALL OF IT") was nailed to the cross with Jesus Christ.

Colossians 2:13-14: "And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. He took it away, nailing it to the Cross."

There is no pain too great, no mistake too big, no sin too deplorable for God to wipe away. Even those unspeakable things that have caused us so much shame.

Next week, I'll share how I finally learned to accept forgiveness and forgive myself.

If you've had to deal with this sort of guilt in your life, how long did it take for it to finally surface?  If you haven't dealt with it yet, I am praying that you have that freedom soon

Shame, Part 1

It was the summer before my third grade year when I first heard about sex. I was playing Barbies with my neighbor Wendy who was a few years older and she asked me if I knew how people "did it." Being completely clueless, I asked "did what?" She picked up her naked Barbie and Ken dolls and demonstrated how babies were made. Up to that point, I truly thought babies were made from prolonged kissing and whenever I saw my parents sharing a kiss, I prayed for a baby sister. But seeing those plastic bodies entwined (well, as much as their rigid forms could be entwined) left me feeling not only confused, but very ashamed.

I couldn't tell my mom and dad because for one, I wasn't really supposed to be playing boyfriend/girlfriend with my Barbies and two, I had never said the word naked out loud. So I kept it to myself.

A few years later, I was a little more knowledgeable, having secretly watched some soap operas at my Mamaw's house. Feeling a little brave one day, I asked my best friend's much older sister to tell me about the birds and bees.

And did she ever. She held nothing back and by the time she was finished, I regretted asking her to tell me and felt guilty for not asking her to stop. Again, I couldn't tell my parents because I thought they'd be upset about what I just heard. So instead, I just felt ashamed.

Ashamed after watching a mature movie at a slumber party. Ashamed for reading my neighbor's romance novels after I put her kids to bed when I was babysitting on Friday nights. Ashamed for seeing a nearly nude photo of my friend's dad when we were snooping in her parents' room. Ashamed for being secretly jealous as I listened to all the sexual escapades of my college-aged co-workers at the ice cream shop. Ashamed for compromising my convictions and going further than I wanted to before marriage.

I had all that exposure to sex, but absolutely no idea what it meant to have a godly, healthy intimate relationship. My parents gave me "the talk" when I was a teenager, which basically consisted of the phrase "The Bible says don't do it until you're married, so wait til you're married." Instead of associating sex with love and romance and communion, I had a hard time seeing past the secrecy and guilt and shame and embarrassment from years before.

Needless to say, I brought all of that junk into my marriage bed. When I had God's permission to finally be sexually free, I was in more bondage than ever. I felt ashamed for enjoying sex, ashamed for being sexually expressive and ashamed that no matter how hard I tried, all those little thoughts and images from before kept playing in my head over and over, making it nearly impossible to focus on the gift that God had created for us.

I know I'm not the only one. It seems that most of us have carried or are currently carrying around some sort of guilt over sexual experiences BEFORE marriage. So for the next few Fridays, I want to talk about this... how to overcome that shame once and for all and how to hopefully prevent our children from experiencing those same pitfalls.

But first, was your initial introduction to sex healthy or unhealthy? Positive or negative?

The Two Things He Desires Most

What if I just can't be that Victoria's Secret model? Will my husband still find me sexy?

The short answer is yes! Double, triple, quadruple yes! Based on my non-scientific research, as well as the many books I've read, I've developed a theory that there are basically two things men want from their wives in the bedroom. (Again, I'm drawing these conclusions based on a husband and wife with a healthy marriage who just wants to make things a little more exciting.)

The first thing your husband wants is to be able to please you sexually. Seriously, it's as simple as that. For a husband who loves his wife, there is nothing more satisfying than knowing he can rock her world. This seems to go against what we women typically believe to be true about sex, that the man is only in it for himself.

A husband needs the validation that all of his parts are working properly and that when his wife wants to be pleasured, he can fulfill that desire. When I first realized this, my initial thought was, "If he wants to please me in bed, he'll leave me alone so I can get some sleep." But that's not the point. In return for giving sexual pleasure to his wife, a man is receiving affirmation of his manhood, which according to Dr. Kevin Lehman in
his book Sheet Music, overflows into every other area of his life such as his work, how he interacts with his children, and the way he conducts himself in conflicts. He also needs that blissful connection that comes only AFTER he's pleased you. That all-is-right-with-us-and-the-world feeling.

So ladies, if you feel like your man just doesn't know how to please you, or you're just grinning and bearing it until it's over, tell him in the most loving way possible what you want from him. He'll listen!

The second thing a man desires in the bedroom is for his wife to know that SHE can please HIM. In other words, he wants you to be confident. Maybe you're just not comfortable donning a sleezy outfit or doing a seductive dance. That's okay. He just wants you to show confidence because confident = sexy.

For some of us women, this is hard, because we feel anything but confident (hi, my name is Kristy and I lack confidence. Just had to put that out there). All the fumbling around required to get things going can leave us feeling like we don't have a clue. My advice here is fake it til you make it. No, I'm not advocating the fake orgasm, but I am encouraging you to put on your I-know-how-to-please-my-man-and-ain't-nothin'-gonna-stop-me face and pretend that sexual prowess is as natural to you as breathing. Yes, you'll flub things up sometimes, and yes, you may end up laughing at each other when your efforts don't go as expected, but that's okay. Just know that God has given you all the tools to please your man, you just have to figure out how to use them.

If you have an intimacy question that you want answered by a non-expert, feel free to email me at learningastheygrow (at) yahoo (dot) com.

I'm Sorry

Last weekend, we had a situation. We were supposed to go camping with the other families in our small group, but at the last minute, Big A made the decision that we would stay home due to an 80% chance of rain for the weekend.

I wish I could say I supported his decision. I wish I could say I understood why we couldn't go. I wish I didn't react the way I did.

I was fuming. Not only did I spend all week shopping for our trip, I packed all day on Friday. I would be missing out on all the fun with our friends. I would have to cook dinner Friday night and Saturday night instead of roasting hot dogs over a fire.

I. I. I. I. It was all about me, wasn't it?

A day A few hours later, I did something I never would have done four years ago. I apologized. I said I was sorry for being a big baby, I gave my husband a hug and everything was okay. And then he said he was sorry to me that I had to miss something I looked forward to. Then I said I was sorry to him that he felt like he needed to apologize. And so on and so forth.

For the first several years of our marriage, I refused to apologize. For anything. Why apologize when I'm always right, right? For my own stubborn, selfish reasons, I wouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable. Saying "I'm Sorry" was a sign of weakness in my mind, and I wasn't about to let my husband see my weakness.  

I've grown up a lot since then, and with counseling and prayer and experience, I've seen where Big A's heart is. And on Saturday (after I stewed for 18 hours), I was surprised at how freely the words came out of my mouth. How I wanted to be vulnerable with him. How I wanted to make things better with him. How I wanted him to know that I didn't blame him and that I was glad he made the decision so I didn't have to.

There's something so intimate about the ability to admit that you're wrong to the person you love. To finally be able to put Big A's feelings over my own need to be strong and right, my own desire to win every disagreement, has brought our relationship to another more mature, transparent level. I can be a jerk (or he can) and apologize and our arguments don't have to go on and on until one of us just caves in out of frustration and nothing ever gets resolved and then one day when his dad pops in for a surprise visit and I've just had a baby and my stitches are hurting and he tells me he's going to work in the garage and asks me to make lunch and we have the fight of all fights right in front of my father-in-law. Not that that's ever happened to us.

Maybe you're feeling like you want to apologize for something this week, but you just can't get the words out. Or maybe you want to let your spouse know that he can apologize to you and you will forgive. I pray that you'll be able to communicate that this week.

And then, I have three words for you, my friends: Make.Up.Sex.

When He Falls off His Pedestal

I think most of us women went into marriage with the idea that our husband would be our prince, our knight in shining armor that would sweep us off our feet and give us security and affection and admiration and everything would be roses and butterflies until we peacefully died in each other's arms just like the couple in The Notebook. I'm not sure that I've ever met a women who went into marriage assuming that her husband would ever fail her.

But pretty much every single woman I know can recall that moment when her husband fell off his pedestal. when he ceased to be that prince who made all of her dreams come true and instead became disgustingly, horribly human.

For some of us, it happens pretty quickly. Right after the honeymoon we notice that he drinks more than we think he should. Or he stops picking up after himself and expects us to do it. Or he calls his mom to double-check every decision.

For others, it happens a little later, when we see some credit card charges that he never told us about. Or we find that he's looking at porn on the computer. Or he's spending more time in the garage than we want (ahem). Or he isn't as hard working as we pictured our perfect mate would be.

For others, those who start believing it will never happen to them, it occurs even later, like when we realize he has a past he never told us about. Or he hides that he lost his job and hasn't paid the bills for three months. Or he's a liar. Or a cheater. Or a coward. Or a big disappointment.

Whether it happens right away or months or years after our wedding day, at some point, our husbands become fallible in our eyes. When that occurs, it changes the game. And how we handle this sets the tone for the rest of our relationship. Here are some tips that may help you as you figure out the new normal in your marriage.

1. Pray. On your knees. There will be a lot of pain and most likely, you'll be feeling a combination of hate, confusion, pity and anger. Give it to God. He knows.

2. Don't bash. In the beginning, when Big A and I would have a huge conflict, my first reaction was to vent to my friends about what he did to upset me. I quickly learned that sharing this information in that manner was not only disrespectful, but it was hard for my pals to forget. As well, the venting they did about their husbands stuck with me. Even when the conflict was resolved, my husband's image and reputation was tainted. Do share what's on your heart with a trusted female mentor who will pray and offer unbiased advice. I recommend not sharing with your mother. She'll never forget how that man hurt her baby.

3.  Forgive. You can choose not to forgive your husband for what happened and your marriage may still survive, but I believe the key to rebuilding is forgiveness. God tells us in Ephesians 4: 31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. And in Matthew 18:21&22 when Peter asks "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answers him, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

We're to forgive our husbands just like Christ forgives us. I don't believe God is telling us to continuously ignore habitual behavior, but I do believe we are called to forgive a real, heartfelt confession and repentance. If this confession/forgiveness doesn't occur, I don't know that true healing in a marriage can begin or trust can once again be built. 


4. Forget. In order to move on, we have to forget. We have to be willing to take the feelings of betrayal, pain, inadequacy, and disappointment and forget them. Forgetting doesn't mean holding onto these emotions and using them as your arsenal during future arguments or holding onto them to break down your man. (See Philippians 3:13-14) This step may take a while, and that's okay. But make it a goal.

5. Submit. Sometimes it's not something he's done sinfully, but it's a decision he's made that upsets us. Submission is a tough, huge pill to swallow sometimes, but as women it's something the Bible calls us to do when the situation arises. When you've both exhausted every attempt to come to the same conclusion, and the decision is left up to him, just submit. If you've done your part, the consequences are his to face. (It's probably best to leave out all the "I told you so"s. I'm just saying.) 

6. Look at yourself. Finally, nobody is perfect. I used to think that whatever Big A did that hurt me was so much worse than any of the things I did wrong. But what made his offenses worse than mine? Nothing really. We're both imperfect. Him spending too much time in the garage one week isn't much different than me spending too much time online. Me using words to make him feel inferior wasn't any less damaging than him using his words to hurt me. I know some actions are much more damaging than others, but I'd ask that you see your husband through God's loving, forgiving eyes in the way that God sees you.


I believe God makes beauty out of the ashes, even in - and especially in - marriages where there is pain and misunderstanding. And the result is usually a married couple who has weathered the storm, proving they're in it for the long haul. 

 

Nudity

We can add this week's topic to my list of things I never thought I'd discuss on a blog.

And perhaps this would be a good idea for all the three men who read this to leave the room. Don't you have a lawn to mow? Or something sporty and sweaty to do? Go on now, scoot...

Ladies, I have to let you in on a little secret: Your husband wants to see you naked.

Now, if you're anything like me, you're a person who goes to great lengths to avoid being naked. I'm still waiting for someone to invent the shower suit so I don't even have to shower in the buff.

Even when I'm happiest with my body, when I've been working out consistently and eating right, I just don't feel that comfortable without clothes. But despite that, I have a husband who wants to see as much of me as he can.

The Shulamite woman in the Song of Solomon also had a frisky man who adored her body. Just look at all the beautiful things he had to say about her in Chapter 7 of the book.

 ¹ How beautiful your sandaled feet,
       O prince's daughter!
       Your graceful legs are like jewels,
       the work of a craftsman's hands.

 ² Your navel is a rounded goblet
       that never lacks blended wine.
       Your waist is a mound of wheat
       encircled by lilies.

 ³ Your breasts are like two fawns,
       twins of a gazelle.

 ⁴ Your neck is like an ivory tower.
       Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
       by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
       Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
       looking toward Damascus.

 ⁵ Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
       Your hair is like royal tapestry;
       the king is held captive by its tresses.

 ⁶ How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
       O love, with your delights!

 ⁷ Your stature is like that of the palm,
       and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

 ⁸ I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
       I will take hold of its fruit."
       May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
       the fragrance of your breath like apples,

 ⁹ and your mouth like the best wine.

Is it getting hot in here?

Do you see what he did there? He basically looked her up and down and then described all of the amazing attributes of her body. And those descriptions were quite graphic, if I do say so myself.

You may remember my post about body issues. Since that post, I've made an effort to see myself as Big A sees me. I can't say I feel 100% comfortable in my own skin, but I feel better. And even when I don't, I'm trying. Sometimes failing, but always trying.

We've talked before here about how men are visual. It's the way God created them. Can't you just imagine Adam's eyes popping out of their sockets when he saw Eve for the first time? When God presented her to him and said, "She is for you," Adam was probably going ga-ga.

The truth is men crave the sight of a woman's body. To them, it's intriguing and arousing and there's nothing quite like it. And I'm starting to see that withholding this very basic need from him because of my own insecurity is pretty selfish.

If you're in the same boat, I encourage you this week to let your husband see all of you. He wants to see you confidently naked, with no reservations about what looks out of place or what is sagging. So undress for him (from what I've heard, the slower you undress, the better). Do a provocative dance. Leave the lights on. Don't allow your sexiness to be based on what you think your body looks like. Let it be based on the desire you see in your husband's eyes. Trust me, he's seeing the fawns and gazelles (and the towers and the tapestry), not the flab and the flaws that you've been focusing on.

Make a Memory

Big A and I have this memory that we share. It was a warm July evening about five years ago. We had just put Bubby and Sissy to bed and I sat down to use the computer while he flipped through the channels on the TV. The windows were open and there was a slight breeze moving through our house. I remember thinking how strange it was that we didn't need to run the air-conditioning.

He stopped flipping when he saw a Randy Travis special on PBS. We're country music fans here and Randy Travis is someone we both listened to when we were growing up. We both like his music (and we admire his faith), so I shut off the computer and joined Big A on the couch.

After a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "We should dance."

I laughed. We hadn't danced since our wedding. We just don't dance.

To my surprise, he was completely serious. He took my hand, pulled me off the couch and wrapped his arms around me.

And with his cheek pressed against mine, we danced. For at least a half hour, just melting into each other. The kids were asleep, the weather was beautiful, and it was just me and him. Well, and Randy.

To this day, when one of us says "the night we danced," we're transported back to that perfect night. When we hear a Randy Travis song on the radio, we just have to sigh and smile. That night, we didn't go out on the town. We didn't spend a lot of money to pay a sitter. We just enjoyed being together in our own living room.

My prayer for you, my sweet readers, is that you'll be encouraged this week to make a memory with your husband (or wife). Carve away a few hours to go on a hike or a bike ride. Play in the rain. Turn the TV off and play a game of Scrabble. Curl up on the porch swing with a blanket and watch the sun set.  It doesn't have to be planned or about sex at all. Just a simple, spontaneous memory that years later will take you both back to a place in time when you pushed everything else aside and just loved on each other for a while.

So that one day when the kids are driving you batty and you're wondering why the cell phone bill is so high and you need to get the gutters fixed and the carpets cleaned and little Tommy has to get braces and your mother is coming to visit, you can say a phrase and remember this special moment you shared.

Do you have a memory like this?

*Disclosure - Randy Travis paid me no money to mention his name here. :)

Q & A, Volume 1

Question 1
Why are you so against pornography?

Answer:
Okay, this question came to me from an anonymous poster who also included a few assumptions, including one that I'm a prude who needs a little porn in my life. Ahem.

As Christians, we believe the Bible to be true and we strive to follow God's teachings. The Bible is clear about lust. Matthew 5:27-28 says "You have heard that is was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." 

I realize not everyone believes the Bible and especially in this culture, many people think anything that feels good is okay. So consider this segment I pulled from an article by freelance writer and human trafficking activist Lara Janson on The Huffington Post.

"Before working in the anti-trafficking movement, I held somewhat conventional liberal beliefs about porn -- it represented free speech, liberatory sexuality, and "free choice," made by consumers and performers alike. Like many people, I was unaware that trafficked women and youth are frequently used in porn films; one of the easiest ways for pimps to make more money is to film the victims they traffic in action. I have interacted with survivors who said they were not only trained for sexual exploitation by being forced to watch porn and imitate it, but they were also made to participate in porn that would be watched later by countless men without the victims' consent.


"Consumers of pornography usually do not see the off-camera exploitation and pain these women endure. Instead, as the content of porn has become more aggressive, more overtly sexist and racist, they see the unrealistic image of women who seemingly enjoy their exploitation and objectification. Furthermore, although our society has become more aware of racist stereotypes in the mass media, porn has not reflected the same changes. The images in mainstream porn of African American men and women and Asian women are incredibly racist, and the porn industry exploits other ethnic minority groups, as well. Although pornography is diverse, the 'smut peddling' industry perpetuates the idea that women are objects to be used by and for men."

Really, there is no way to know the difference between a woman who is forced to participate and a woman who does so willingly.

And still, I have more personal reasons. I've never met a woman who has viewed porn with her husband or found porn in their home who has felt better about herself after the experience. Even if it was used for mutual enjoyment, most women I've talked to have felt some level of insecurity, confusion about their husbands' true feelings, disrespected and less confident in their own sexual ability and desirability. And you can say to me "Don't knock it until you try it" because we've been there, done that, and had nothing to show for it except a whole lot of tears and disappointment.

Add to that the disturbing possibility of our children accidentally stumbling upon porn on the computer or in the house (and they would, they find everything), and you've got my reasons for my staunch belief that porn has no business in your marriage bed.

And I'm also out of space for this week.  More next week.

A Lesson in Anatomy

I don't embarrass easily when it comes to talking about intimacy, but I'll admit, today's topic caused me to blush a little. So rather than give a lengthy explanation about how I came to write about this subject today, I'm just going to dive right in.

Erogenous zones. Where are they and why are they important?

Erogenous zones are areas of heightened sexual sensitivity on our bodies. While the most widely known erogenous zones on both sexes are the sexual organs (including penis, vagina, and breasts) and surrounding areas, there are many other sensitive places that often get overlooked. Spending a little extra time in these spots will give your foreplay a little extra oomph, as well as provide a nice build up of sexual tension for the big event.

The Ears. The ears are home to many nerve endings, making them extremely sensitive to kissing, licking and heavy breathing.

The Mouth. Especially the tongue, which some say is the most sensitive part of the body. Kiss. And when you're done, kiss some more.

The Neck. Specifically the back of the neck and the clavicle area are prone to pleasure if caressed, massaged, or kissed.

The Naval. For some people, this area may be a little too sensitive and ticklish, but for others, some extra lingering in the lower abdomen (with kissing or caressing) is extremely pleasing.

The Inner Arms. The skin on the inner arms is softer, making it more sensitive than the outer arm. For some though, this area may be too ticklish to feel any pleasure (It's always best to ask your husband/wife if something feels good before lingering in a certain area for too long. Otherwise, they might be turned off instead of turned on.) Kissing, touching, licking or heavy breathing at the bend of the arm (the other side of the elbow)  has actually been known to induce orgasm because the skin is so thin and sensitive. Okay, if you want to try it, I'll wait before moving on.

Did it work? You can let me know in the comments.

The Fingertips. Second in sensitivity only to the tongue, these areas are easily pleasured through lighter touches like kisses, massages, as well as harder motions like sucking and rubbing  (rubbing especially works between the fingers).

The Back. For most people, a backrub is relaxing and a turn on. For women especially, the small of the back is sensitive to touch.

The Legs. The inner thighs are highly sensitive to light touching. Likewise, lots of nerve endings are located at the back of the knees, making them especially responsive to licking, kissing and light touching.

The Feet/Toes. Many people are too ticklish to enjoy even the slightest touch on their feet. Others are grossed out by the thought of touching someone's feet. But if you can stand it, the feet are highly sensitive to licking, hard rubbing, light massaging and sucking.

The truth is, there's just not a magic switch that works for everyone everytime. But it's important to pay attention to these areas because they provide extra stimulation and pleasure during intimacy, and isn't that what we're all striving for afterall? Focus on a new erogenous zone each week (or month, or day) to see what your spouse enjoys and most of all, have fun with it!

The Power of the Tongue

Usually, my topic for each Friday post comes to me pretty easily. Either God will put something on my heart or I'll come across a subject in an article, book or in a conversation with a friend. Then I'll pray about it, expand upon it and ta-da! A Physical Friday post is born.

But not this week. As of Wednesday, I still had nothing. And the only reason I'm able to write this post right now is because I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and saw myself doing the very thing I'm going to urge you all not to do.

Ladies, we have so much power through our tongues (minds out of the gutter, please). When I say power, I'm not talking about manipulative, conniving, say-things-just-to-get-what-I-want power. I'm talking about the power to make or break our husbands with just our words. From what I've seen in my own life this week, women don't realize how much what we say contributes to our husband's success, happiness, motivation, or likewise his failure, dissatisfaction and lack of motivation.

Sometimes when I look at Big A, I see this man with a shield or armor, indestructible, strong, able to handle anything. So when I disrespect him or question his ability at every turn, I expect him to just take it like a man.

But instead of that, my words cut right through that rugged exterior and undermine the man that he is. He's defeated and worn down and shuts himself off from me emotionally and physically.

It turns out that he's not invincible. He gets his feelings hurt just as easily and as often as I do. And for him, it seems that the rejection he feels trickles down into everything he does. I'm seeing the effects of that after the last week or two of speaking out of anger and hurt instead of out of love.

But when I build him up with compliments and genuine expressions of love (a sweet note, an extra long hug, a lovey-dovey message (absolutely no texts), the sky is the limit for him. He will move a mountain for me if I ask him to. He will CLEAN THE TOILETS, put up the shelf in the living room that has been sitting by the fireplace for months (hint, hint), spend a Sunday afternoon with the kids so I can take a nap, cuddle with me so much that I get sick of cuddling. He will go to work each day to a job he doesn't really care for and do his best to support our family. He will work extra hours on his side job so I can stay home with our kids. He will be an amazing, involved father and an awesome spiritual leader.

He wants to be my hero so badly.

But it's all in my power to let him be.

And you may say "But my husband never builds me up! Why should I build him up?" Please, just try it and see what happens. If it doesn't work, you can unsubscribe and you never have to read my stupid advice again. Fighting fire with fire isn't always the best way to get through to a man. But fighting fire with, um, chocolate cake and sprinkles, seems to do the trick. In other words, kill him with kindness.

So how does this all apply to getting physical. If we can let our husbands know how much they please us sexually, they'll feel like Superman. A man whose wife makes him feel like a stud muffin doesn't care so much about problems at the office or their never-ending to-do list or the million other things that weigh on his shoulders. If she thinks he's a stallion, pleasing her is what matters to him.

This week, I'll be remembering these verses as I strive to build up my husband. I pray you'll join me.

Proverbs 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." 

Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Ladies Only

First of all, I want to ask the three men who read this blog to leave the room. This post is for ladies ONLY.

Are they gone? Good...

In my line of work (um, stay-at-home-mom/social networker/playdate attender/person-who-likes-to-talk-about-personal-things), I have had many conversations with women who just don't want to have sex with their husbands.

Our reasons are diverse - too tired, too busy, too touched out from having babies climbing all over us all day, sex isn't that great so why do it?, husband is lazy, feelings were hurt by husband, worry, fear, insecurity (hello, have you met me?), etc..., but in the end, the result is the same. Our sex life with our husbands suffer and we develop what I like to call "Stick in the Mud Syndrome." We just lay there like sticks in the mud until it's over. No enjoyment. No connection. No fun. Just sticks in the mud.

(Once again, let me say that I'm not talking to women who have medical or deep emotional reasons why they can't have sex. I'm talking to the average Jane who just doesn't feel like it.)

Since the Bible tells us to just do it (1 Cor. 7:3-5 says ³The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. ⁵Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.), shouldn't we at least get some enjoyment out of it?

And let's be honest here, we can't always count on our husbands to get us in the mood. Many of our issues have nothing to do with our men at all. So today I want to focus on Tips to Clear Our Heads and Help Us Feel Sexy. 


1. Relax. Easier said than done, I know. But when you get that little eyebrow raise from your man and you know tonight's the night, the first thing to do is relax. Have some prayer time. Take a bubble bath. Read a few chapters in a good book. Let go of all the stress of today and tomorrow so you can focus on tonight.

2. Remember the way things used to be. Do you have a favorite memory of dating your husband? What about old love letters or pictures? Pull those out to remember when times weren't so stressful, when just the thought of being together gave you butterflies and made your palms sweat. He's still that man, though he may be a little heavier and have less hair and more responsibility on his shoulders.

3. Write a love letter. Even if you don't give it to him, write your husband a letter to tell him what he means to you. There's something about seeing the words on paper that will help reaffirm just how much you do love him.

4. Lingerie. Since we've all thrown out our old panties, I just know we have drawerfuls of black, leopard-print  lingerie to help us feel sexy. Wear it throughout the day, not just five minutes before it comes off. Put it on under your clothes. Who says you have to wear a beige bra to the office or the playground?

5. Visit my Relevant Conference sponsor www.covenantspice.com (sorry for the shameless plug). Lots of products to spice things up with your hubby!

6. Music. Listen to your favorite songs that make you feel lovey. I know if we all think hard enough, we can find a few that help us get that loving feeling back (for me, it's anything by Aerosmith...). Put some on your mp3 player and listen to them as you get ready for bed at night.

7. Be the vixen. Sometimes, I think we totally have to step away from ourselves to get in the right frame of mind for intimacy. That tape that runs through our heads just won't shut off and we can't bring ourselves to even think about sex. Try to forget about your role as a mommy/household manager/runner of errands and play another role.... a nurse, a sexy maid, a police woman, whatever floats your boat and helps you focus on making love and not changing diapers and packing lunches.

8. Talk. Tell your husband what feels good and what you enjoy. Sometimes we think they're being selfish and not considering what we like, when in reality they just don't know. Need more foreplay? Ask for it. Did you like that thing he did a few weeks ago? Tell him to try it again. And if you're too embarassed to say it, get over it. I bet he WANTS to hear what brings you pleasure. It will save him a lot of trial and error.

9. Be confident. As women, God gave us everything we need to please our husbands sexually, but we don't always believe that to be true. I've heard time and time again that husbands just want their wives to feel comfortable and confident in the bedroom. Even if things don't work out perfectly and messes are made, if we believe (or at least pretend that we believe) in our abilities as Godly, sexy wives, our husbands will notice... and they'll thank us.

10. Pray. At the risk of sounding redundant, pray for intimacy in your marriage. God wants your husband AND you to have pleasure and closeness through sex.

It's your sex life too!!! Enjoy it!!! :):)

Protection

I'm not talking about birth control today. I'm talking about hedges.

The Bible is very clear about the threat to marriages.  In Proverbs 5, we learn about the adultress, whose lips drip with honey to entice a man. And if that man is not careful, verse 8 says that he will give his best to someone who is not his wife and eventually be led to death.

Because Big A and I believe infidelity is a threat, we have instituted a hedge of protection in our relationship.

Most likely, other people think we're nuts. You may too after you read this, but please stick around. :)

Here are some ways we protect what God has given us here.
-No close friendships with people of the opposite sex. 
-No lunches out with co-workers of the opposite sex. 
-Basically no time spent alone with people of the opposite sex (fortunately, there have been no work situations that have necessitated alone time like this. We'll cross that bridge if we have to). 
-Lots of prayer. 
-Talking and listening. 
-Intimacy is a big deal.

We do what we do because our marriage is important to us. Because sometimes you don't realize you're being led astray until it's too late. Because there's no reason we should rely on someone outside of our marriage for companionship, advice, or a shoulder to cry on. Because there's no reason we should allow someone outside of our marriage to rely on us. 

Proverbs 5 also says
 ¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
       and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
 ¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
       may her breasts satisfy you always,
       may you ever be captivated by her love.
 ²⁰ Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
       Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

 There is no need that Big A has that should be met by another woman. Likewise, I should have no reason to turn to another man to fulfill a need that I have. Of course, the world will try to tell us that it's okay. There's no harm in friendships, that it's even healthy to spend time with other men and women. They'll call it insecurity or control.

But they don't mention the affairs that get started between friends and co-workers. The temptation to flirt or let our minds wander. The marriages that crumble because one spouse thinks that the grass is greener in the neighbor's yard. The emotional toll of juggling the needs of another woman/man that you shouldn't be so involved with in the first place.

I know firsthand how easy it is to go down this seemingly harmless road. To start a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that leads to fun flirtation and compliments and butterflies and the creating of scenarios to "accidentally" run into someone, all of which took the focus off my spouse. 

Ladies, I truly, truly, truly (really, I truly do) believe that if we don't want to have sex with our husbands, there is someone else out there who DOES and who will take advantage of the space that we leave empty in him. And in case you haven't noticed, my husband is hot. While I completely trust my husband (although, I do not completely trust a lot of other women), we realize that Satan would love nothing more than to destroy our family so we can't take chances.

This shield of protection around your marriage doesn't have to be limited to relationships with the opposite sex. It can involve computer time, certain movies, places or really anything that invites temptation.

What sort of hedge do you have around your marriage?

Put These on Your Grocery List

Here's a list of 10 foods that are considered to be aphrodisiacal. In other words, eating them may aid in sexual arousal. Consume at your own risk.

1. Asparagus. This appeared on every single list I perused this week. Besides the fact that folks back in the day found its shape to be sexually suggestive, asparagus packs a lot of vitamin E, which is considered vital to stimulating sex hormone production. 

2. Chocolate. This is another food that popped up all over my searches. Chocolate contains both a sedative which relaxes AND a stimulant which causes excitement. Basically, it's the world's perfect food. But we already knew that, right ladies?

3. Oysters. This food is rich in zinc, which is essential for the production of testosterone, which in case you didn't know, isn't just a male hormone, but a female hormone as well. They're also a considered to be a source of dopamine, which is believed to release chemicals that allow us to feel pleasure. However, I'll take chocolate over slimy oysters any day, thankyouverymuch.

4. Radishes. Folks back in the day also felt that radishes increased arousal because of their spicy taste.

5. Chili Pepper. See radishes. Chilis contain capsaicin which raises the heartrate and may give you that natural high feeling thus heightening arousal.

6. Almonds. Jam-packed with protein and vitamins and minerals, almonds give you energy and strength, two things you need for a night to remember. It's also been said that Samson used almond branches to woo Delilah (I didn't find this in my Bible, but it may have been mentioned in an earlier translastion?). Just the scent of almonds is said to produce a calming effect on women, so using almond-scented soap or lotion before lovemaking  may heighten the experience.

7. Banana. Get your minds out of the gutter! There's more to a banana than just its look. Bananas are rich in B vitmamins and potassium, both of which are crucial for the production of sex hormones.

8. Pumpkin pie and buttered popcorn. Just the aromas from these foods can trigger arousal in both men and women. 

9. Cucumbers. Again, in addition to its obvious physical traits, the cucumber has a scent that has been known to increase blood flow to the vagina. 

10. Licorice. Specifically black licorice. The smell of this candy is said to increase blood flow to the penis. Now, if you can create a recipe that includes both cucumbers AND black licorice, I'd say you're in for a wild night.

I searched high and low and unfortunately, there's no evidence that Dr. Pepper or Cool Ranch Doritos should be on this list. I tried.

Happy Shopping!

Sources:

http://homecooking.about.com/od/holidayandpartyrecipes/a/aphrodisiacs.htm

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/aphrodisiacs/potions.html

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/aphrodisiacs/foods.html

http://hubpages.com/hub/How-Almonds-Improve-Your-Sex-Life

The Flab and The Flop

Want to know what's hindering me from having the absolutely awesome sex life that God intended for married couples?

It's not sexual sin from my past, creeping in to haunt me.

It's not a physiological problem, like irratic hormones from perimenopause or breastfeeding, or injuries from labor and childbirth.

It's not distractions, like the sound of our kids sleeping in the room next door, or the thought of the dirty dishes in the sink.

It's not that I have a toddler and a newborn hanging off me most of the day.

It's not that Big A and I don't know what we're doing.

It's not images or thoughts from movies I've watched or things I've read that have caused my mind to stray from my husband.

It's not that Big A has said or done something that hurt me, so I'm paying him back by withholding sex from him.

At one point or another in our marriage, all of those things were hindrances to intimacy, but now, the biggest roadblock to complete emotional and physical oneness with my husband is... my own insecurity.

Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments here. I mean, I don't expect you all to leave comments about how thin and tan I am, or how my long hair flows like a beautiful stream between two mountains or how my white teeth glisten like pearls (but thank you for thinking all those wonderful thoughts about me, seriously). The truth is, it wouldn't matter what nice things are said about me. Because I struggle with insecurity. 

When I turned 30, my body started changing. Everything seemed to grow outward and then downward. Things that used to stay in place now flop around haphazardly if I'm not wearing major reinforcement. The flab of skin around my midsection that wasn't here three years ago seems to have taken up permanent residence regardless of how many sit ups I do, or how much I run jog walk stroll on the treadmill. 

During the day, I do my best to cover these flaws with layers of strategically placed clothing and undergarments. But when it's just me and my husband and there's nothing to hide behind, I feel more vulnerable than sexy.

Big A has made it his personal mission to make me feel beautiful, but even when he says it a thousand times, it's sometimes hard for me to believe it. I look down and see things that are jiggling and can't even begin to see myself the way he sees me. Or the way God, who created me fearfully and wonderfully (Ps, 139:14), sees me. Not just beautiful, but dear to his heart.

It's a constant battle for me and it affects the way I respond, how frequently I initiate and how much I allow myself to be in the moment. And I'm tired of it. I want to turn the lights on and not feel embarassed. I want to embrace the floppiness and flabbiness and wrinkles and scars because it's all a part of who God made me to be.

So I have a choice here. I can believe what the Bible says or I can believe Satan's lies that only serve to hurt me and my marriage. I can allow intimacy to grow and flourish or I can stifle it by listening to the enemy.

This week, I'm challenging myself to focus on how beautiful I am, not just on the outside, but inside too. If this is your roadblock, I urge you to join me. I'll be praying so hard this week that God will help us confront and overcome our hang ups about our bodies.

Luke 1:37 says that nothing is impossible for God. Say that out loud, okay? Nothing. Issues that affect our marital intimacy are just as important to Him as those that affect our health, our finances and our relationships with Him. There's no problem too big or too small.