Today (well, yesterday, since I'm a day late on this post) I'm talking about when the desire is low or nonexistent, which I hear is happening to more and more women in their thirties and forties who are in the child rearing/household managing/stressful job working season of life. (If you're a woman in this season of life who is enjoying a constant, satisfying sex life who no waning in interest ever, just drop and give me 50 push ups right now.)
According to the Mayo Clinic, low sex drive means you have "have hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes you personal distress." Hypoactive means "abnormally inactive."
I should point out that just because your interest in sex isn't as strong as your husband's doesn't mean you have a problem. Likewise, even if your interest is lower than it once was, that's okay too. But there are instances where the lack of desire causes personal and relationship distress and those instances should be addressed.
The causes of a low sex drive vary from women to women. They include, but are absolutely not limited to, the following:
-Female Hormone fluctuations. (one of the first questions I ask God when I get to Heaven will be "Really, God? Hormones? WHY?") Interestingly enough, it's not just progesterone and estrogen that cause sexual desire issues for women. Testosterone, which we usually associated with men, plays a big role in our bodies as well. By the time a woman turns 40, her body typically is producing half of the testosterone it produced when she was 20 (Ezine article). If you've had your ovaries removed, your testosterone levels plummet even more. Also, if you're pregnant or breastfeeding or going through menopause, your hormones are probably on their own little roller coaster.
-Other medical issues and some medications. Thyroid disease, neurological disorders, high blood pressure, depression, cancer.
-Life. Jobs, kids, committments, overscheduled calendars, chores, extended family issues, 9-year-olds who sleepwalk and startle you when they stand next to your bed like a creepy child in a horror film, etc... In other words, distractions and the fatigue caused by juggling everything.
-Relationship and psychological issues. Infidelity, mistrust, emotional disconnect, and poor or no communication. Also, insecurity, previous sexual abuse, fear, and religious views about sex gone awry.
These problems are manifested in a low desire for sex, or in come cases, a complete lack of desire.
So what's a woman to do?
-Delegate. I don't think there's a husband out there who wouldn't jump at the chance to help out if it meant his wife would be more interested in sex. Be honest about what you need help with and stop trying to do it all.
-Help yourself get into the mood. I listed some ideas here. (Be sure to read those comments too!)
-Fight exhaustion with rest, a good diet and vitamins. Raise your hand if you get plenty of sleep and never feel run down. Anyone? If your disinterest in sex is related to being worn out, adequate rest and a healthy diet should help. Low iron is a big cause of fatigue in women, and a good multivitamin with iron can help that. When I was in the thick of my low-progesterone struggles earlier this year, I tried all of these, in addition to taking B vitamins, and my energy level improved dramatically, as did other areas of my life.
-See your doctor/counselor. A women's health specialist (thank's Beth!) or your doctor CAN help. Be honest, have a list of medications you're taking, and don't downplay your symptoms. You may have low testosterone or a negative reaction to medication, both of which can be treated. If you're having issues with your spouse or past experiences, talking with a relationship counselor or a trusted spiritual advisor or mentor can work wonders.
Unfortunately, there's no little blue pill for women, or instant switch that we can turn on and off. But ask any woman who has overcome low libido issues, and she'll tell you, the extra effort to get your mojo back is worth it.
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