When He Falls off His Pedestal

I think most of us women went into marriage with the idea that our husband would be our prince, our knight in shining armor that would sweep us off our feet and give us security and affection and admiration and everything would be roses and butterflies until we peacefully died in each other's arms just like the couple in The Notebook. I'm not sure that I've ever met a women who went into marriage assuming that her husband would ever fail her.

But pretty much every single woman I know can recall that moment when her husband fell off his pedestal. when he ceased to be that prince who made all of her dreams come true and instead became disgustingly, horribly human.

For some of us, it happens pretty quickly. Right after the honeymoon we notice that he drinks more than we think he should. Or he stops picking up after himself and expects us to do it. Or he calls his mom to double-check every decision.

For others, it happens a little later, when we see some credit card charges that he never told us about. Or we find that he's looking at porn on the computer. Or he's spending more time in the garage than we want (ahem). Or he isn't as hard working as we pictured our perfect mate would be.

For others, those who start believing it will never happen to them, it occurs even later, like when we realize he has a past he never told us about. Or he hides that he lost his job and hasn't paid the bills for three months. Or he's a liar. Or a cheater. Or a coward. Or a big disappointment.

Whether it happens right away or months or years after our wedding day, at some point, our husbands become fallible in our eyes. When that occurs, it changes the game. And how we handle this sets the tone for the rest of our relationship. Here are some tips that may help you as you figure out the new normal in your marriage.

1. Pray. On your knees. There will be a lot of pain and most likely, you'll be feeling a combination of hate, confusion, pity and anger. Give it to God. He knows.

2. Don't bash. In the beginning, when Big A and I would have a huge conflict, my first reaction was to vent to my friends about what he did to upset me. I quickly learned that sharing this information in that manner was not only disrespectful, but it was hard for my pals to forget. As well, the venting they did about their husbands stuck with me. Even when the conflict was resolved, my husband's image and reputation was tainted. Do share what's on your heart with a trusted female mentor who will pray and offer unbiased advice. I recommend not sharing with your mother. She'll never forget how that man hurt her baby.

3.  Forgive. You can choose not to forgive your husband for what happened and your marriage may still survive, but I believe the key to rebuilding is forgiveness. God tells us in Ephesians 4: 31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. And in Matthew 18:21&22 when Peter asks "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answers him, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

We're to forgive our husbands just like Christ forgives us. I don't believe God is telling us to continuously ignore habitual behavior, but I do believe we are called to forgive a real, heartfelt confession and repentance. If this confession/forgiveness doesn't occur, I don't know that true healing in a marriage can begin or trust can once again be built. 


4. Forget. In order to move on, we have to forget. We have to be willing to take the feelings of betrayal, pain, inadequacy, and disappointment and forget them. Forgetting doesn't mean holding onto these emotions and using them as your arsenal during future arguments or holding onto them to break down your man. (See Philippians 3:13-14) This step may take a while, and that's okay. But make it a goal.

5. Submit. Sometimes it's not something he's done sinfully, but it's a decision he's made that upsets us. Submission is a tough, huge pill to swallow sometimes, but as women it's something the Bible calls us to do when the situation arises. When you've both exhausted every attempt to come to the same conclusion, and the decision is left up to him, just submit. If you've done your part, the consequences are his to face. (It's probably best to leave out all the "I told you so"s. I'm just saying.) 

6. Look at yourself. Finally, nobody is perfect. I used to think that whatever Big A did that hurt me was so much worse than any of the things I did wrong. But what made his offenses worse than mine? Nothing really. We're both imperfect. Him spending too much time in the garage one week isn't much different than me spending too much time online. Me using words to make him feel inferior wasn't any less damaging than him using his words to hurt me. I know some actions are much more damaging than others, but I'd ask that you see your husband through God's loving, forgiving eyes in the way that God sees you.


I believe God makes beauty out of the ashes, even in - and especially in - marriages where there is pain and misunderstanding. And the result is usually a married couple who has weathered the storm, proving they're in it for the long haul.