Shame, Part 2

Last week, I told you I brought a lot of guilt, shame and confusion into my marriage bed. Surprisingly, I didn't realize I brought it all at first. In fact, Big A and I spent several months in blissful marital oblivion before any of that junk surfaced.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I had a miscarriage at almost five months along.

And what was supposed to be our first year of building a foundation for our life together was soon a hot mess of emotion, anger, and defeat.

Of course I would have a miscarriage, I thought to myself soon after losing our baby girl. It's because of all the horrible things I did.

At the time, it made complete sense to me. I was sure God was punishing me for all of those experiences that had brought me so much shame when I was younger. Nevermind that I had asked forgiveness or that much of that unhealthy exposure to sex wasn't my own doing anyway.

Before long, I fell for Satan's lies hook, line and sinker when he told me I didn't deserve to be a mother and I had no business trying to be a godly wife either.

I was beaten down just enough to give up. Just enough to run and hide from God. Just enough to feel unworthy of his presence. Just enough to feel like a letdown to Big A. It was a dark time in my life. Not only was I mourning the loss of our baby, but I was pulling away from my husband and drowning in a pool of self-disgust.

It seemed that once I lost those parts of my innocence years before we got married, I always felt a little dirty. And because I didn't feel completely pure, I never truly felt worthy of forgiveness, love, acceptance and real, true intimacy. I believe (again, based on my years of scientific research at the McDonald's playland with my friends) many of us have experienced this same guilt because of our sexual pasts.  

It's true that when we lose that part of ourselves, we can't ever physically get it back. But ladies, we are not damaged goods. No matter how many times you gave yourself away. No matter how much was taken from you. I feel like I should make the distinction here that there are some things we CHOOSE to do and some things that are done TO US. For some reason, we women tend to blame ourselves for BOTH. But all of it (repeat after me, "ALL OF IT") was nailed to the cross with Jesus Christ.

Colossians 2:13-14: "And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. He took it away, nailing it to the Cross."

There is no pain too great, no mistake too big, no sin too deplorable for God to wipe away. Even those unspeakable things that have caused us so much shame.

Next week, I'll share how I finally learned to accept forgiveness and forgive myself.

If you've had to deal with this sort of guilt in your life, how long did it take for it to finally surface?  If you haven't dealt with it yet, I am praying that you have that freedom soon