The Flab and The Flop

Want to know what's hindering me from having the absolutely awesome sex life that God intended for married couples?

It's not sexual sin from my past, creeping in to haunt me.

It's not a physiological problem, like irratic hormones from perimenopause or breastfeeding, or injuries from labor and childbirth.

It's not distractions, like the sound of our kids sleeping in the room next door, or the thought of the dirty dishes in the sink.

It's not that I have a toddler and a newborn hanging off me most of the day.

It's not that Big A and I don't know what we're doing.

It's not images or thoughts from movies I've watched or things I've read that have caused my mind to stray from my husband.

It's not that Big A has said or done something that hurt me, so I'm paying him back by withholding sex from him.

At one point or another in our marriage, all of those things were hindrances to intimacy, but now, the biggest roadblock to complete emotional and physical oneness with my husband is... my own insecurity.

Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments here. I mean, I don't expect you all to leave comments about how thin and tan I am, or how my long hair flows like a beautiful stream between two mountains or how my white teeth glisten like pearls (but thank you for thinking all those wonderful thoughts about me, seriously). The truth is, it wouldn't matter what nice things are said about me. Because I struggle with insecurity. 

When I turned 30, my body started changing. Everything seemed to grow outward and then downward. Things that used to stay in place now flop around haphazardly if I'm not wearing major reinforcement. The flab of skin around my midsection that wasn't here three years ago seems to have taken up permanent residence regardless of how many sit ups I do, or how much I run jog walk stroll on the treadmill. 

During the day, I do my best to cover these flaws with layers of strategically placed clothing and undergarments. But when it's just me and my husband and there's nothing to hide behind, I feel more vulnerable than sexy.

Big A has made it his personal mission to make me feel beautiful, but even when he says it a thousand times, it's sometimes hard for me to believe it. I look down and see things that are jiggling and can't even begin to see myself the way he sees me. Or the way God, who created me fearfully and wonderfully (Ps, 139:14), sees me. Not just beautiful, but dear to his heart.

It's a constant battle for me and it affects the way I respond, how frequently I initiate and how much I allow myself to be in the moment. And I'm tired of it. I want to turn the lights on and not feel embarassed. I want to embrace the floppiness and flabbiness and wrinkles and scars because it's all a part of who God made me to be.

So I have a choice here. I can believe what the Bible says or I can believe Satan's lies that only serve to hurt me and my marriage. I can allow intimacy to grow and flourish or I can stifle it by listening to the enemy.

This week, I'm challenging myself to focus on how beautiful I am, not just on the outside, but inside too. If this is your roadblock, I urge you to join me. I'll be praying so hard this week that God will help us confront and overcome our hang ups about our bodies.

Luke 1:37 says that nothing is impossible for God. Say that out loud, okay? Nothing. Issues that affect our marital intimacy are just as important to Him as those that affect our health, our finances and our relationships with Him. There's no problem too big or too small.