Shame, Part 3

When the shame I felt for my past sexual sin surfaced when we lost our baby girl, I was pretty much a mess. I was grieving. I was blaming myself. I was withdrawing from those who loved me most. I was certain I would never be a mother. And most of all, I was beating myself - emotionally, mentally and spiritually - to a pulp.

After nearly a year, which included two early miscarriages, I became pregnant again. The early weeks of my pregnancy were filled with fear and anxiety. Then at 18 weeks when an ultrasound showed problems, the same problems that led to the first miscarriage, I was fearful but I wasn't surprised. I had already decided this was my fate.

The next day, I had a procedure done that could possibly save the pregnancy. But because my body was preparing to deliver too early, there was a 50/50 chance that labor would start and no one would be able to stop it.

I felt as if my baby's life was hanging on a thread. And that night, as I lay in the hospital bed, with a machine monitoring his precious heartbeat, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I begged our God to not take another baby from me, to give me just once chance to be a mommy. I pleaded for forgiveness for every single sexual sin I ever committed, for every temptation I ever gave in to.

But instead of hearing Him lovingly say "I forgive you, my child," I heard "I forgave you a long time ago. You need to forgive yourself."

When I asked God for forgiveness that first time, years before, He gave it, no questions asked. The Bible says "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12) 

Not only did He remove it, but He forgot it. "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." (Hebrews 10:17)

But I never accepted it. I handed it back to Him and instead took the blame and shame that Satan was giving because I felt I deserved that more.

In the hospital that night, I finally understood. I wasn't being punished with miscarriages. Difficult pregnancies were just part of my lot in this life - something that I would eventually use for His glory. I understood that none of that guilt was from God. When I asked for forgiveness, that was exactly what He offered, no strings attached, no need to ask 50 more times just to be sure He heard me correctly.  In order for me to embrace the gift of motherhood, I had to accept His grace. Otherwise, I'd be blaming myself all over again with every single challenge or hardship I faced.

There are natural consequences to sin. If we rob a bank, we can be forgiven by God, but we may have to go to jail. If we sin against our bodies, we may have to face natural consequences as well. But when we truly repent, God doesn't pound us with punishment over and over. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8: 1-2)

Friends, I don't know why I'm supposed to share all this with you. And I know I've probably made a mess out of this topic. As I've prayed about writing this, I kept thinking to myself  "Who cares? We're all grown women! Surely we're all passed this." Yet, the calling wouldn't leave my heart. And even as I share this, I know that my past is ridiculously innocent compared to what some of you have endured. So if you take anything from this (besides the knowledge that I'm incredibly long-winded), I pray you know that Jesus died for you, that any sin you committed or will commit can be completely washed away when you accept Him as your saviour and that He LOVES you. He is completely and utterly in love with you. He keeps no records of your wrongs and once He forgives you, it's FINAL.

And just so you know, that baby who we almost lost will turn nine years old on Sunday.