I'm Sorry

Last weekend, we had a situation. We were supposed to go camping with the other families in our small group, but at the last minute, Big A made the decision that we would stay home due to an 80% chance of rain for the weekend.

I wish I could say I supported his decision. I wish I could say I understood why we couldn't go. I wish I didn't react the way I did.

I was fuming. Not only did I spend all week shopping for our trip, I packed all day on Friday. I would be missing out on all the fun with our friends. I would have to cook dinner Friday night and Saturday night instead of roasting hot dogs over a fire.

I. I. I. I. It was all about me, wasn't it?

A day A few hours later, I did something I never would have done four years ago. I apologized. I said I was sorry for being a big baby, I gave my husband a hug and everything was okay. And then he said he was sorry to me that I had to miss something I looked forward to. Then I said I was sorry to him that he felt like he needed to apologize. And so on and so forth.

For the first several years of our marriage, I refused to apologize. For anything. Why apologize when I'm always right, right? For my own stubborn, selfish reasons, I wouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable. Saying "I'm Sorry" was a sign of weakness in my mind, and I wasn't about to let my husband see my weakness.  

I've grown up a lot since then, and with counseling and prayer and experience, I've seen where Big A's heart is. And on Saturday (after I stewed for 18 hours), I was surprised at how freely the words came out of my mouth. How I wanted to be vulnerable with him. How I wanted to make things better with him. How I wanted him to know that I didn't blame him and that I was glad he made the decision so I didn't have to.

There's something so intimate about the ability to admit that you're wrong to the person you love. To finally be able to put Big A's feelings over my own need to be strong and right, my own desire to win every disagreement, has brought our relationship to another more mature, transparent level. I can be a jerk (or he can) and apologize and our arguments don't have to go on and on until one of us just caves in out of frustration and nothing ever gets resolved and then one day when his dad pops in for a surprise visit and I've just had a baby and my stitches are hurting and he tells me he's going to work in the garage and asks me to make lunch and we have the fight of all fights right in front of my father-in-law. Not that that's ever happened to us.

Maybe you're feeling like you want to apologize for something this week, but you just can't get the words out. Or maybe you want to let your spouse know that he can apologize to you and you will forgive. I pray that you'll be able to communicate that this week.

And then, I have three words for you, my friends: Make.Up.Sex.