Submission

I had a moment not too long ago that really shook me. I was in the middle of having one of my angry submission episodes. Where I agree to submit to something Big A wants, but I still stew and slam doors and give the so-very-uneffective silent treatment. I was submitting, just defiant.

Big A runs a used car business as a side job. This means he works normal hours at a day job, then extra hours on the car business. Saturdays are his busiest days for the car business because that's the only day he can spend uninterrupted time working, searching for cars to buy, transporting, etc...

Truthfully, I hated Saturdays for this very reason. I hated being alone. I hated wrangling three kids at the playground or the grocery store because he wasn't available to come with me. I hated the whole situation.

And each and every week, I made sure he knew just how much I hated Saturdays. Nevermind that he'd go above and beyond his parenting and husbandly duties every other day of the week. It was Saturdays that I wanted because it was Saturdays that he wouldn't give me.

One Saturday, I was stewing so much that I didn't even say goodbye when he left the house to work. And God gave me a wake-up call.

 "You need to start appreciating what you have because he might not always be there." The words startled me, but I felt like they were coming straight from God's mouth to my heart.

I thought I was submitting and following God's commands in Ephesians 5:

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.   

But I was still trying to get my own way, just not directly. Instead of just coming out and saying "no," I was plotting and scheming and ignoring in order to get him to do things my way. I was rolling my eyes, stomping my feet, withholding affection, intimacy, home-cooked meals or whatever else he desired from me, with the hope that he would say, "Okay. Let's do things your way."

On that particular day, God made it clear to me that I needed to stop being so immature and be thankful that I had a healthy husband who wanted to work hard and provide for us. I got his message loud and clear after I considered the alternative. I could give up Saturdays if it meant more peace in our homes and that I didn't have to be mad every single weekend. 

Once I made the decision to lovingly submit to Big A on this - just like the church should submit to Christ -  instead of submitting defiantly, the tone of our house changed. The tension and strife are gone. His needs are met. My needs are met. I was only looking at things from my point-of-view and I wasn't seeing how important that one day of business was for Big A and for our family's future. It was a big step for me because I am always right and that's just how it is I usually think I'm right about everything. 

My heart's desire is to be a godly wife, submissive and selfless. Not a doormat, but a strong partner who strengthens her husband through her words and actions. And especially not a woman who tries to get her way through constantly nagging.

I'm not totally there yet, for sure, but I'm learning, and growing.